Blog

The Fear of Rejection

new (1)

Everyday it’s an ongoing battle

I’m at war with myself

With my thoughts

Everyday, haunted with memories and fears

Constantly fighting off negative thoughts

What if this and what if that?

And, what lies beneath it all, I have discovered is fear

Fear of what exactly? 

What is it that I’m afraid of

What am I trying so hard to protect myself from?

Rejection.

I’m afraid of being hurt and rejected

Again

I’m afraid of the tears, the loneliness and heartbreak

I’m afraid of the disappointment 

The worst days of my life were the most painful

I fear feeling how I felt then, again

Memories of those moments, they come back to haunt me

So, everyday I’m fighting off negative thoughts that try to consume me 

And hold me captive to my past

Everyday it’s a fight

Everyday it’s a struggle

And, I want to fight because I can 

But, can I be honest.. I’m tired

I’m tired of having to fight

I’m tired of facing the lingering fear of rejection

Sometimes, I wish someone could fight for me

Or, that I didn’t have to fight at all

Wish I could get rid of this fear once and for all

How do I get this fear under subjection?

Because it accompanies me daily like I’m the object of it’s affection

I’ve become it’s kryptonite

So, I try to be strong

Act like nothing’s wrong

I wasn’t given the spirit of fear

So how do I let it go?

How do I conquer it before it conquers me?

How do I find the motivation to fight daily?

They said to guard my heart

So, I used that to justify putting up a wall

But walls don’t stop you from falling

But, can cause  you to lose everything you’ve ever wanted

Fear distracts and fear destroys if it’s not destroyed first

Fear has it’s place

But, not when it comes to peace of mind

I’m just out here, trying to find mine.

(Spoken Word Poem by Kezia Marie ©) 

 

I’ve struggled with anxiety for awhile now. Most days, I have a good handle on it. But, some days, it gets the best of me. I have come to realize the the underlying cause of my anxiety and stress is fear; a fear of the things that I cannot control. Most of my worrying comes from worrying about the future. This makes sense, when I consider the type of person I am. I am goal oriented and solution focused. I dislike reflecting on the past if its not to learn from past experience with the expectation that I will benefit from it moving forward. I like to be in control, or at least have an awareness of what is going on with me and around me. But, we all know that, that is  not how life works. We don’t get to be in control of everything. Some things happen unexpectedly and by chance. And, while I do love surprises, I like to limit what those kind of surprises can be.

Knowing the type of person I am, clearly, I am like a magnet for anxiety! And, of course, seeing this as a problem, I am quick to look for a solution. How do I solve this problem? How do I conquer my fear without it conquering me? Well, what I can tell you, is that the perfect place to begin is at the root. What is the foundation of my fear? Rejection. This means that something has happened in my past that has caused me to feel certain, negative emotions that initiated the fear factor. My negative emotions are not connected to the event or person itself, but it is to how it made me feel. So, whenever anything happens (trigger) that causes me to feel similar emotions today, I am instantly reminded of those past events and that increases those intense emotions that translates into anxiety. I become anxious, uneasy, unsettled, irritable, I panic. In those moments it becomes difficult to focus on anything but what I consider to be a problem that I can’t gain control of. 

Thursday morning I awoke, feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted, because of what I’d been struggling with. My fear of rejection. I’d been planning to write a blog on this topic for awhile, but 24 days went by and I just had no idea what to say or where to begin. But, that morning, I lay there, knowing how blessed I am to have what I have and who I have in my life, but was yet afraid that my fear could cause me  to forfeit God’s blessings. I ended up writing this poem instead. Normally, my poems are about my personal experiences and typically end with a positive spin or perspective meant to encourage others. Not this time. I felt like I had no answer, when usually, I do. I had no answers. No word of hope. Nothing more to say. Just raw emotion. 

Today is Sunday. And, I still have no answers. But someone dropped a word of encouragement in my inbox the same day, without knowing what I was dealing with prior to. I was reminded of Proverbs 3: 5 – 6 which says to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your path straight.” This was not only a great answer to my having no answers, but also to my struggle with anxiety. The root of my anxiety is fear, and fear is something that will always present itself. But, whatever the circumstance may be, the answer or solution will always be to trust God no matter what! Regardless of my understanding, I just need to trust him, not rely on my own understanding or inability to understand and to just submit to the process. In Philippians 4:6, we are instructed to be anxious for nothing! He wouldn’t instruct us to do something we aren’t capable of doing or that he is not willing to help us do. Knowing this, I know that I can and will conquer anxiety, so that it does not conquer me! 

 

cropped-large-sig3.png

 

How to Get Unstuck: Successfully Pursue and Achieve your Goals!

How to get Unstuck_

Did you make a resolution or set a goal(s) at the beginning of the year? If so, where are you now? Are you currently working towards your goal or have you already thrown in the towel? According to research, 80% of New Years resolutions fall through by February! Why is that?

Let’s be real, most goals come with its own set of challenges. It can be an uphill battle. But, I will tell you this.. The difference between those who successfully reach their goal and those who do not, is their mindset! They’re mindset is different. Different how? Glad you asked. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “mindset is everything” countless times already. So much so, that it’s probably just another cliché’ to you. But, many cliché’s hold a whole lot of truth. As does this one. Your mindset determines whether or not you will be successful in life or not. A lot of times we place the blame, for our lack of success or consistency on luck, circumstances or other people. But, the truth is, we have more control than most realize. You have more control over your results/outcome than you realize.  People and circumstances, both the good, bad and the ugly, only have the power to influence. Influence what exactly? Our actions or inaction. How we react to the people and things that happen in our lives is what defines us. It’s not the event that defines who we are; it’s our reaction to it that defines who we are and determines our success or failure.

If you have found yourself giving up and throwing in the towel, when it comes to accomplishing your goals, then you may agree that you got stuck along the way. It’s not that the desire to reach that goal has dissipated. It’s just that life happened and influenced your inaction. Your inaction is a direct effect of your mindset.  In my new book, Empower You, I talk a lot about developing a positive, success mindset. This kind of mindset is the kind of mindset that will enable you to keep going, despite a lack of motivation, a lack of support, etc. If you’d like to learn more about developing a success mindset that will help you successfully pursue your goals, then I invite you to grab your copy of my book! Just click HERE.

I am sure that you set your goal for a reason. So, if you’ve temporarily put the pursuit of your goal on hold, then I encourage you to learn how to get unstuck! Too many people have lived and died, without going after their dreams. And, I am certain that a good amount of those individuals did not have a positive, success mindset and likely gave up when they got stuck , assuming that they tried at all. I’m just saying. With all that being said, I don’t want you to ever feel like you won’t ever be able to reach your goals because you feel stuck. Understand that pursuing your goal is a process. And, depending on the goal, it likely won’t happen overnight. Feeling stuck is a part of the process. Your success is dependent on your ability to overcome setbacks, overwhelm and feelings like feeling stuck! Here are 3 things that you can do to get unstuck!

Embrace Where You Are (1)

1) Unwind. Take time to relax and unwind. Do something that is unrelated to your goals and dreams, but is something that you thoroughly enjoy. Go on a staycation or vacation if possible. Do something or go somewhere that will allow for a change of scenery. I suggest doing this, because often times, getting a change of scenery and a change of pace can help to de-clutter your mind and relax mentally and emotionally. Relax your body and your mind should begin to relax as well. Try yoga, meditation or prayer. Try detoxing or going on a fast or cleanse. Sometimes, giving your physical body rest and re-boot can have a direct effect on your mentality as well. Put yourself in position to start fresh.

Embrace Where You Are

2) Embrace where you are. Be honest with yourself about where you stand in the pursuit of your goals. Take full responsibility for your actions or inaction. Acknowledge the problem or mistake. Instead of placing the blame on other people and circumstances, shine the light on yourself. Instead of deflecting and avoiding your reality and what it is that you really want to have or where you desire to be, face it. Embrace every experience that has led you to this moment in time, right here, right now. Accept it for what it is. A learning opportunity. Make up in your mind that you are going to move forward. Decide that you are going to keep going!

Embrace Where You Are (2)

3) Shift your perspective. As mentioned before, mindset is everything! Your mindset is the sum of your attitude/beliefs about something or someone. How do you perceive your goal and your ability to pursue and accomplish that goal? If you are feeling like your goal is difficult to reach, then I suggest a do-over. Go back and re-write that goal and ensure that you have constructed a SMART goal. A SMART goal is specific, measurable, achievable, relevant or realistic and trackable! Check out my Set Goals & Slay Starter pack for help in setting strategic goals for success! (Click HERE)

It’s okay to feel stuck. It is a part of the process. It is common. But, it is up to you to decide not to stay there. Getting stuck is often inevitable, but staying stuck is a choice! You have more control, more say-so in the matter than you may have realized initially. No one can pursue your dream for you. Don’t give people or circumstances more power over your goals and dreams than they really have. They only have as much power as you allow them to have. Really, they only have the power to influence your action or inaction.

Take back your power! Don’t stay stuck! Take action!

cropped-large-sig3.png

You Don’t Have to Wait..

You.png

Ugghh! I use to HATE hearing people say that “happiness is a choice.” I hated it. I didn’t understand how that was possible.

For 90% of my childhood, I was the shy, lonely, nerd who was just unhappy. Throughout my teenage years, I was miserable. Struggled with low self-esteem, depression.. And most of the time, I felt invisible. Sure, I laughed & smiled but deep down I wasn’t happy. So yeah, I didn’t get how happiness could possibly be a choice. I wanted to be happy. I just didn’t realize that I could be.

As a teen, I was the queen of negativity! I murmured & complained about anything and everything. I struggled to see the good in people and situations. I made MY mediocre problems bigger than they really were. I can’t pinpoint exactly when a shift occurred, but I can tell you that once the shift happened, my whole life changed.

The shift was in my mindset. Once that changed, my perspective of everything going on in my life changed. My perspective shifted & I began to see things through a more positive lense. The people & situations didn’t change, but the way I perceived them did!!

Regardless of what was going on, I became happier. I became content. I discovered my worth, passion and purpose. I found a genuine reason to be happy that wasn’t based on a particular person or thing 🙌

It’s true when they say, you can’t live a positive life with a negative mind… Check out my latest blog post for 4 ways you can transform your mindset in order to become a more positive person.

I have a new book out called Empower You! Mindset Transformation: A Daily Devotional for the Mind! It is a great read for those who are struggling with negative thinking or lack motivation. Empower You  will help you get motivated, get focused, slay your goals & to strategically align yourself with what you desire & with what you’ve been created to do in life! You can grab your copy today by clicking the link below. 

4 Steps to Bounce Back

4

Your setback is a setup for your comeback!

For a good chunk of my childhood, I was not allowed to watch TV. Seriously. I mean, my family did not own a TV set, we did not have cable for the longest time. I didn’t get to indulge in what was a normal part of daily entertainment for most people. So, it’s no surprise that I tend to get the side eye and a mixed look of humor, confusion and pity, when people discover that I am oblivious to many of the “must see” movies and TV shows that were popular in the 90’s. When comparing my lack of knowledge of TV shows and movies to other 24 year old’s, you’d probably assume that I just lived under a rock for most of my childhood. Yeah, so, it’s also no surprise that my love for Superhero movies did not develop until, well, this year actually.

Yes, I confess: I love superhero movies. By no means am I a fanatic, but I just might pick one over a romantic comedy any day. The reason I’ve taken to these movies so quickly, is the whole concept of having skills and abilities that no one else has. Being a game-changer. Having an IT factor. Something that separates you from everybody else. Let’s just say, superheros may have just become my new inspiration. And, I might add, this began before the debut of Black Panther! #WakandaForever .. Nevertheless, I have found inspiration, in the fact that Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Black Panther, Spider-Man, Deadpool, Aquaman, Thor, the list goes on, may have similar or differing powers, but they share something in common… The ability to bounce back!

As cheesy as it may sound, I honestly believe that we should all operate as if we have the mindset of a superhero. We all have something unique about us that sets us apart from everybody else that goes way beyond our fingerprint. We all have an IT factor. We are all game changers. But, it’s up to us to discover what our IT factor is, to embrace it and use it to change the game. And, whenever you decide to step out on faith and change the game, to make a difference in this world, to leave and imprint and a legacy.. You will experience setbacks. That is non-negotiable. But, like a superhero, we have the ability to bounce back.

For every action, there is a reaction. For every problem, there is a solution. For every setback, there is a comeback. It’s up to you to execute!

Let’s be honest, bouncing back is easier said than done. So, here are 4 steps that you can take to bounce back.

Have a Pity Party

1) Have a Pity Party! Allow yourself time to embrace/accept what has happened. Literally, set aside time to do just that. You can also use this time to reflect. Ask yourself, what can you learn from the experience? Every experience is an opportunity to learn, grow and evolve as a person.

Have a Pity Party

2) Live in the moment! Stop Reflecting on the Past. You’ve already done that. Now it’s time to move forward.So, stop worrying about the future, which you can’t change. And, don’t worry about the future, because your attitude and actions NOW is what will affect your LATER. Just be in the moment. Embrace the moment. Accept it for what it is and just breathe.

Have a Pity Party (1)

3) Relax. Rest. Sleep..  Studies have show that feeling emotionally or mentally fatigued can cause perceived physical exhaustion. Sometimes it pays to be selfish, go into hibernation and just relax, recharge and revive your energy!

Have a Pity Party (2)

4) Jump off a cliff! Okay, not literally. But, Do get back out there. Do keep going and don’t look back. Don’t wait for the perfect moment to begin again, because there is no perfect moment. If you wait until you feel comfortable, you may end up waiting for forever. Sometimes, you have to just go for it.. jump back in and see what happens.

Take the necessary steps to bounce back. And, always remember, it is a process. 

cropped-large-sig3.png

The Beginning of the End

The 3 Days That Changed My Life..

Well, 1/4rth of it anyway!

I was stuck.

I had a dream, but I lacked a plan of action.

I did not have a plan tailored to my needs.

I was winging it and that didn’t work.

But in December of 2015, I attended a 3 day workshop that changed my life.

It changed my life, because it challenged and changed my mindset.

I walked away with new strategies to implement into my daily routine, that not only changed my mindset, but my results.

Change your mindset. Change your life.

I immediately began to insert the strategies that I learned into my daily routine.

I did not see overnight results, but I was consistent.

The biggest win was in my mindset.

I became more positive, more focused and more aware.

I became alert of negativity and I knew how to fight it mentally and emotionally.

In a nutshell, what I began to do is this:

I began to write down my goals is detail.

I began to rewrite those same goals everyday. I began to read those goals aloud every day.

I was consistent. I began to believe.

Initially, I didn’t know how it was going to happen.

Nevertheless, I took my goals and created a plan. That plan did not always work.

So, I would go back and make adjustments until I found a strategy that worked with my work-life balance.

The end result of my new habits were that my “then” goals became my “now” reality!

After two additional semesters of re-taking 1 course, Probability and Statistics, I finally graduated with my Bachelors of Science in Psychology.

I finished writing my 3rd book.

I became a more confident person. I began to love myself, flaws and all.

I moved out of my parents house and into my first apartment.

Despite unforeseen health and financial setbacks, I was able to maintain, overall, a positive mindset.

Not once did I allow myself to think, “Oh, I won’t be able to afford it” (bills, rent, etc.).

That’s because, I’d put in the work to build a positive mindset.

When negative thoughts pop up, I instantly recognize it, kick it to the curb and replace it with positivity.

Like most things, it takes practice and consistency to develop this habit.

This list is not extensive, but each of those accomplishments are huge for me.

Each of those goals I wrote down everyday.

Each of those goals, I spoke aloud as if I’d already achieved it. I did that everyday.

With each of my goals, my faith was tested. Each of those goals saw victory , no matter how long it took.

Again, it did not happen overnight.

I thought, with what I’d begun doing, that I would graduate that first semester.

Nope. I failed the class again (3rd time was a charm). I continued doing what I’d started.

I wrote my goals. I spoke my goals. I followed my plan of action.

Eventually, I saw results.

It doesn’t matter how big or small your goals are.

What matters is that you are strategic, consistent and motivated.

Those three days changed my life, because it initiated a change in the way that I think. And, mindset is everything. So, once you shift your mindset, your whole life can change! 

If you are lacking motivation or struggling to accomplish your goals, I encourage you to check out my new book “Empower You!” Empower You is a 70 day devotional for your mind that will motivate and inspire you to embrace your unique self, discover your passion + purpose and shift your mindset so that you can successfully pursue your goals, live your dream and ultimately live your life operating in your God given purpose. You can get your copy HERE.

I'm a brunette